Shifting From Shame
I would hate for someone to come to my page and think that I have it all together, because that is the furthest thing from the truth and I think sometimes the pretty edits and fake smiles make people think that. I journal almost every day, pray daily and read my devotionals, and recently I have even dusted off my bible to begin studying the Word deeper and create an understanding for myself versus only going by what I have heard or been taught. I post on Instagram almost daily, usually for brands or even with motivational quotes. I’m plus size, so when I post lingerie pictures my inbox floods with women (and men but not for the same reasons) telling me they wish they had my confidence and asking for tips. But what you don’t see is how many pictures I deleted before the angle was correct, or how often I walk passed a mirror and frown or just look away before tears stream down my face. What people don’t see also, is how or why I NEED prayer SO much. I’m hurt. My emotions ain’t right, and they haven’t been for a few months. I have gained weight from physical injuries, and perhaps the mental ones also. And although I am fighting for my happiness, I AM NOT THERE YET.
But none of that can justify the sorrow I feel after hurting people I care about. This weekend, what should should have been a nice night out, turned into an explosion of my inner feelings. I don’t even recall the happenings of the evening, but what I’ve heard is not something I am unfamiliar with. It has happened to me before, when I was in a dark place and instead of facing the darkness and bringing light to it, I let it fester so it showed its ugly head when I let my guard down.
I spent most of Sunday in a position of self-loathing and embarrassment. Asking myself questions like “Aren’t you too old to be doing stuff like this?” “Don’t you feel dumb now?” “How are you gonna recover from this?” I had to take a step back though, after praying. Holding myself accountable and responsible for my actions is A MUST, and I know that saying sorry won’t undo the damage that has been done. But, for once I can say…neither will hating myself or beating myself up for a mistake, or thinking that I am unable to rise again from this.
A lot of us view our mistakes as ultimate deciding factors for the rest of our lives, and I’m happy that I’ve had first experience that it doesn’t have to be that way, and that I am able to remind myself of that in this instance.
I’m so so so so so far from perfect, and even though I try my hardest, I will fall many more times in this thing called life. So will you. I’m shifting my thought process, yes…I messed up, terribly and there is no excuse BUT I do not believe we should walk around in shame or wallow in our mistakes. We have to pick ourselves up, try to make amends the best that we can and forgive ourselves. Forgive ourselves for being a mess, forgive ourselves for losing control and forgive ourselves for not being perfect and for doing things wrong sometimes.
I hope you remember to give yourself grace when you mess up, even if you mess up badly. I hope you remember that your mistakes don’t define you and you can recover and come back on top. I hope you take ownership of your short comings, work on bettering yourself but don’t lose sight that you are human.
Your body hears everything your mind thinks, and I promise it affects you in more ways than one. I’m sharing this, because I know what it’s like to let your mistakes talk you into depression, to try to take your own life because the mistakes feel like too much and the words you have spoken over yourself make the world seem much darker than it is. I’ve been there, and I’m sharing because I refuse to go back, and I want you to know that your mistakes are not more powerful than our God. I know it doesn’t always feel good to admit to making mistakes, and taking full responsibility for them, and I know it can be hard to deal with the outcomes of those mistakes…I know. But I also know that you are worth so much more than your mistakes and your failed attempts. You’re worth forgiving yourself, and doing your best to become better and make the changes that are necessary for your growth. So, Please Please Please Please, be gentle with yourself.